* Prospect High School Giggle & Gins *

The Septic Tank Truck.......





Chicago Girl

A girl from Chicago and a girl from the east coast were seated side by side on an airplane.

The girl from Chicago , being friendly as people from Chicago
are known to be, said: "So, where ya from?"

The east coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than
to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Chicago sat quietly for a few moments and
then replied: "So, where ya from.... bitch?"

This is for anyone who knows a true Chicago Girl...



And then the fight started.....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later The woman said,
'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too' .......................
And then the fight started.....

******************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a
drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked,
'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

**********************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....

**********************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what
she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

And then the fight started.....

**********************



Where have all the 'Old Phones' gone.....





The Genie...

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the w aitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand
in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars
or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man..

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."



THE YEAR 1908.....

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1908.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!

Here are some statistics for the Year 1908 :
************ ********* ********* ******

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and
$4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard'.

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month,
and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
Entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:
1 Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter
at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said,
'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,
regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a
perfect guardian of health.' ( Shocking? DUH! )

Eighteen percent of households had at least
One full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

IT STAGGERS THE MIND



Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided
that He really needed a new robe. After looking around for
a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went
in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein
prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe
was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off:
'No, no, no, for the Son of God ? There's no charge! However,
may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon,
perhaps you could just mention that your new
robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?'

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his
Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses. A few months
later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , He happened
to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge
line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon
as Finkelstein spotted him he said: 'Jesus, Jesus, look what you've
done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?' 'Certainly,'
replied Jesus. 'Jesus & Finkelstein it is.' 'Oh, no, no,' said Finkelstein.
'Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman.' The two
of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately
fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable
compromise. A few days later, the new sign
went up over Finkelstein's shop:





A story about A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched
for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope
hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive
on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then
drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink
and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he
would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks'



Do you guys remember this????????

YOU REMEMBER WHEN...? All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?


It took five minutes for the TV warm up?


Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?


When a quarter was a decent allowance?


You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?


Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?


All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers
had their hair done every day and wore high heels?


You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time? And you didn't pay for air?
And, you got trading stamps to boot?


Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?


It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner
at a real restaurant with your parents?


They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . and they did?


When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay
rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?


No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always
in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?


Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals because
no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?


And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip
back in time and savor the slower pace,and share
it with the children of today?


When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?


Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by
shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much
bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.


Share this with someone who can still remember
Laurel and Hardy,Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery,the Lone Ranger,
The Shadow Knows, Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.


I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on:)
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between
old enough to know better and too young to care.

How many of these do you remember?

Candy cigarettes


Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside


Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles


Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes


Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum


Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers


Newsreels before the movie
P.F Fliers

Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601).


Party lines


Howdy Dowdy


Hi-Fi's 45 RPM records


78 RPM records!


Green Stamps


Metal ice cubes trays with levers


Roller-skate keys


Cork pop guns


Studebakers


Washtub wringers


Erector Sets


15 cent McDonald hamburgers


5 cent packs of baseball cards - with that awful
pink slab of bubble gum. - Penny candy -
25 cent a gallon gasoline

Do you remember a time when...

'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?


Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?


The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was 'cooties'?

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?


'Oly-oly-oxen-free' made perfect sense?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?


Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?


If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!



Five surgeons .....

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients
to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are
the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order".

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no
spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.



SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007

Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees
his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark.
Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD.
School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang.
State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused
herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally
explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher.
English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up
mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism,
FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home,
computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary.
Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.














It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer,
clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What's going on here?"

"My car broke down, officer" says the woman calmly.

"Well, what are these obscene cardboard
pictures doing here by the road?" he asks.

"Helllooooooo!!!!" says the blonde.
"Those are my emergency flashers!"





.......This is pretty funny if you haven't yet heard it.

Gates vs. GM

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection
for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25. 00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason what so ever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road,
close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and
reopen the windows before you could continue. For some
reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally , executing a maneuver such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to
drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has
Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The air bag system would ask "Are you sure?"
before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have
to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.



Real News Reported in British Newspapers:













































%0

- Generation X, people born betwe en 1962 and 1976.

- Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989.

Why do we call the last one generation Y. I did not know,
but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...
Learned something new!



SCROLL DOWN























What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money,
so we call her the Government. We are here to take
care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny' s room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gi ves up and goes back to bed.

The nng you ... she's the perfect candidate."



"The only two things we do with greater frequency
in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."

"The trouble with bucket seats is that not
everybody has the same size bucket."

"To err is human;to forgive, highly unlikely."

"Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll
have millions of old ladies running around
with tattoos and pierced navels? (Now that's scary!) "

"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's
more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."

"After a certain age, if you don't wake up
aching somewhere...you may be dead."





The Purina Dog Chow Diet....

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for JACK
the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman
behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?
So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her no, I didn't
have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I
probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but
I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works
is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two
every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the
line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I was sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me.



The Diary Of A Snow Shoveler....Chicago Style:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

December 8 - 6:00pm
It started to snow.
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took
our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.
So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again.
I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a lovelier place in the world? Moving here was
the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years
and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the
sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.
What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment!
My neighbour tells me not to worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow
by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night! The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra snow shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.
God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in
my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling! Took all day! The damn snowplow came
by twice! Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're
too busy playing hockey.
I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.
I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of
the white s**t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee.
By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says
he's too busy.
I think the SOB is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today.
And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she, nuts?!!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches- Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a SOB
who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls
and beat him with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner
and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street
at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight, the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open
our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snow plow.

December 25
Merry freaking Christmas!
20 more inches of the damn slop tonight- Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude.
I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more
time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze: plumber
came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me
$1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20.
Still snowed in!
The B***H
is driving
me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snowplow driver,
and now he is suing me for a million dollars,
not only for the beating I gave him, but also for
trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass.
The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what was left of the house.
No more shoveling.

January 8
I feel sooo good.
I just love those
little white pills
they keep giving me.

Why am I tied to the bed?



God loves blondes!

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and
she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that
she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and
if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.
Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me?
I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are
starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been
a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just
this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.....
'Sweetheart, work with Me on this...................
GO and BUY a ticket.



HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit,
or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the
difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and
there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit,
the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.


You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself
up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times
you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic
building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't
need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit;
or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to
know that I do give a shit and hope you have a nice work week,
without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load
of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!





I was feeling a bit depressed the other day,
so I called the LifeLine. I was put through to
a 'call centre' in Pakistan.
I explained that I was feeling suicidal.
They were very excited at this news and
wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....





~The Wal-Mart Cat~?

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and
Accidentally cut off the tail of her cat
Which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over
To WALMART!

Why WALMART???

WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!





OH MY GOODNESS!

WHEN YOU'RE FEELING STUPID, READ THIS

                                (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"


-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest .

``````````````````````````````````

                               
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."


--Mariah Carey

````````````

                               
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"


-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

`````````````````````````````````````````````````

                               
"I've never had major knee surgery! on any other part
of my body,"


-- Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward .

`````````````````````````````````````````````

                               
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"


--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

`````````````````````````````

                               
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."


-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````

                               
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"


--A congressional candidate in Texas .

````````````````````````````

                               
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."


--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````

                               
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."


--Al Gore, Vice President

And ..

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."


-- Al Gore, VP

```````````````````

                               
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."


-- Dan Quayle

``````````

                               
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need ?"


--Lee Iacocca

```````````

                               
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -


--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````

                               
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."


-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .

`````````````````````````````````

                               
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."


-- Bill Clinton, President

````````````````

                               
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come
from overseas."


--Keppel Enderbery

````````````````

                               
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."


--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````

                               
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."


--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman



Subject: Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 427 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think no body cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.



PARENT - Job Description

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include
evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless
sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack muleand be able to go from
zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams fromthe backyard
are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen
phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery
operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills,so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and
wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,no tuition reimbursement,
no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.



Amazing Photos...


Holding The Sun


Edge of the Hurricane


Fire-Starter


Amazing Cloud Formation


You Light Up My World


Not a Good Day For Surfing.



Only in China
SWIMMING POOL


Only in Hawaii


Only in India


Only in Texas


Only In Thailand


And last, but not least
Only In America






WHY IT'S DIFFICULT TO SHOP IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES:

1. Would you want to go here?


2. Sounds yummy, eh? 'Traditional' it says!


3. This must be baby food.


4. (No comment.)


5 For when size (in everything) is important!


6. No one asked how they age this beer. Don't try to guess.


7. Jawohl!


8. THIS NEXT ONE SHOWS THE STRANGEST PICTURE
ON THE CAN IT LOOKS LIKE AN ALIEN HERMAPHRODITE. (Note name)


9. FOR WHEN SIZE IS IMPORTANT. (Cute little guys, eh?)


10. THERE'S ALWAYS A FEW OF THESE AROUND.


11. TO HAVE ON HAND...IN CASE YOU RUN OUT...?


12. AND FINALLY: WE PREFER GOOD OLD-FASHIONED
'CHICKEN' SOUP THAT IS USUALLY MADE FROM HENS...WE HOPE!






Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence
using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager,
I am ready" The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green ,
and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center
for computer problems.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.











Due to the climate of political correctness
now pervading America, Kentuckians,
Tennesseans and West Virginians will no
longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" -
She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is
"HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a
"LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF
THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a
"PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes
" VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a
" LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE
POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has
developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is
"OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" -
He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in
"FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He
develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -
It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."



Cops Say the Darndest Things!

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supe! rvisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides,
eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write
as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you
know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!



(an oldie..)

Recent research shows that there are:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens
when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have
been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get
Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand
your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Let Me Hear an Amen



Stunning Senior Moment.....

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took
it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was
impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. You grew
up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said,
loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today
grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon,
our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and
hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ....and," pausing to
take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right , son. We didn't have those things when we were young........
so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the
next generation?"

The applause was resounding...





Airline humor....

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high
school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely
in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet' which
tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct
the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review
the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews
lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted
by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever,
had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up,
fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.......

P: Noise comming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.



EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS......

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take
off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf
female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband
had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard
her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out
of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been
bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty
years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very
good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair
had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery
was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing
female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softl y. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm
sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish
I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name



A WOMAN'S POEM

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.



These are too wild to make up......


















A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley......

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog
and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and
searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the
ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save
his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on
the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove
slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer
was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented:

Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and
cried out to the horse to save his life!The horse thought a moment, walked over, and
straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would
then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse,
You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"







Creation Explained....

....never heard creation explained quite this way before

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated
the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben & Jerry's Ice cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add
some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Women went from
a size 6 to a size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-
Island dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man
and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-
fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight
and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and
said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might loose those
few extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man
would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed
and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

The God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might comsume fewer calories
and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double cheeseburger. The said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied,
"Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went
into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMO's...



How it happens....

Today's reading is from the Book of Corporate Life,
Chapter 11, verses 1 - 15:

1. In the beginning was the Plan.

2. And then came the Assumptions.

3. And the Assumptions were without form.

4. And the Plan was without Substance.

5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

6. And the Workers spoke among themselves saying,
"It is a crock of shit and it stinks."

7. And the Workers went unto the Supervisors and said,
"It is a crock of dung and we cannot live with the smell."

8. And the Supervisors went unto the Managers saying,
"It is a containter of organic waste, and it is very
strong, such that none may abide by it."

9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very stront."

11. And the Directors wetn to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
"It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him
"It has very powerful effects."

13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
14. And the Plan became Policy.

15. And that is how Shit Happens.



The Sex Fairy

This is hilarious!

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which
makes hair shine and skin smooth.
==========

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of
suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced
cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
==========

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled
on during that romantic dinner.
==========

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It
stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body.
It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't
need special sneakers!
==========

5.

....Counseling

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years
they had been married. She went on and on and on - neglect, lack of
intimacy, emptiness, lonliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and
entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course
of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife
to stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut
up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought a moment and replied,
"Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I fish."



These are pretty clever. Don't rush. Study each picture
and try to determine what it represents, before
looking at the answer below the picture.







Dandy Lions









Assaulted Peanut









Eggplant









Doctor Pepper









Pool Table









Tap Dancers









Card Shark









The King of Pop









I Pod









Gator-Aide









Knight Mare









Hole Mike









Light Beer



How many answers did you
figure out?
Com'on be
honest!!!



WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1. How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get cat gut?

4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI first name?

8. What color is a purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. What is the color of the black box in a commerical airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.....
look at the answers below:



ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?

Albert

8) What color is the purple finch?

Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

New Zeland

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Orange (Of Course!)

SSSoooo, did you get any right????



A Good Salesman

A young guy from Indiana moves to Seattle and goes to a
big "everything under one roof" department store looking
for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales
experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back
in Indiana." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him a job.
"You'll start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see
how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After
the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many
customers bought something from you today?" he asked.
The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales
people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was
the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65."

The boss says, "$101,237.65!!! What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold hime a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said,
"Down the coast," so I told him he was going to need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft.
The he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive department and I sold him
that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and
you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "NO. The guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot,
you should go fishing."



Timeless lesson....on how consultants
can make a difference for an organization

Last week we took some friends out to a new restaurant,
and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a
spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I
ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water
and utensils, I noticed the also had a spoon in his shirt
pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all
the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came
back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he
explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Colsulting,
experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.
After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that
customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any
other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately
3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal
with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace
it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the
kitchen instead of making the extra trip to get it right now." I was
rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued
to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging
our of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had
the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me
and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell
me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant
as you. The consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time
in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the
tip of your you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching
it and that way eliminating the need to wash our hands, shortening the time
spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but....if the string helps you get it out, how do you
put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about
the others, but I use the spoon."





Rednecks.....

You might be a redneck if.....


Alittle rain doesn't spoil the fishin'....

You need fashion tips from your husband...

You wear a shirt like this...
for your Engagement photo...

Your weddin' picture looks like this...

'an your weddin' cake looked like this...

Your mailbox looks like this....

Your doghouse looks like this...

Your pickup looks like this...

You have a deer's butt for a door bell...

You don't need a lake to do a little skiing....

Or if your wife is quoted in the local
paper saying.....

.....and if a Redneck was to be president











Two ways to look at everything....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed. "She is my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God," says my wife. "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"



Top 11 things uttered by Yoda while making love....

11. "Ahhhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
10. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."
9. "Feel the force!"
8. "Foreplay, cuddling--a Jedi craves not these things."
7. "Down here I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
6. "Do me or do me not -- there is no try."
5. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must."
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes it does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hummmmmm??"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ears you are!"
1. "Who's your Jedi master? WHO's your Jedi Master?"



A Few Stories from Health Care

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your
left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence.
He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with
both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

*****

A nurses' aide was helping a petient into the bathroom when the patiend
exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"

*****

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed his doctor that he was having troulbe with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he
wouldn't see...Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

*****

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's
dress, and begins to take off her underware. Suddenly he notices that there
are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.

*****

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered,
"Why not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

*****

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart." (what a way to go!)

*****

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths,"
instructs the nurse. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

*****

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's the breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly.







Telephone poll...

The latest telephone poll taken by the Florida Governor's office,
asked whether people who live in Florida think illegal immigration
is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered:
"Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered:
"No, es una problema seriosa."





















HEY....so this is how you do it.....





When your mom said....
"Don't take candy from strangers!!!"


This Is Who She Was
Trying To Protect You From!!!



Thirty Lines To Make You Smile

1. My husband & I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity;
I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4. Some people are alive
only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.



6. Don't take life too seriously;
no one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because
the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum
for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot - -
Some parts are just missing.



11. Out of my mind.
Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people;
He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness:
That annoying time between naps.



16. Ever stop to think,
and forget to start again?

17. Being 'over the hill'
is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things
I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!!

20. I have a Degree in Liberal Arts;
Do you want fries with that?



21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles
begins with a cash advance.

23. Stupidity is not a handicap.
Park elsewhere!

24. They call is PMS because
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys
is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words,
but it uses up three thousand
times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs.
A day's work for a chicken,
a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is
there's no background music.

29. The original point and click
interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don't know
what the hell is going on.



Why God made Moms - BRILLIANT answers
given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions.

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me.
He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair
and everything nice in the world
and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones.
Then they mostly used string, I think>

Why did God give you Your mother
& not some other mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than
other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom
and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there,
but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about
dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background.
Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year?
Did he say NO to drugs
and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.
And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have
her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but
she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection.
She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she
has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home
and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers
without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms
have all the real power 'cause that''s
who you got to ask if you want
to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel
better without medicine.

\ What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mother's don't do spare time...
2. To hear her tell it, she
pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect.
Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change on thing about
your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me
keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it
was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of
those invisible eyes on
the back of her head.



One day a man came home and was greeted by his wife
dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred,
and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

*******

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach
stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said, "Just get out."

*******

Marriage is the relationship in which on person is always right,
and the other is a husband.

*******

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

*******

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back.
"I'm so tired of chardonnay."

*******

A wife was making breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have
you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to
salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
dont' know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you
what if feels like when I'm driving."



* WHO is 'Jack Schitt'....... *

For some time many of us have wondered just who is this 'Jack Schitt'?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnet, married
O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced
six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins
Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school
dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt
later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she
wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather
nervous dispositon named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt
and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married
the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the
newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children
were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from
Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt



Firemen....

A firefighter is working on an engine outside the station when he notices a
little girl next door in a red wagon with a little ladder hung off the sides and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle>

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being
pulled by her dog and cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a better look. "That sure is a nice firetruck,"
the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the