* Prospect High School Giggle & Gins *

Just a moment from our sponsor (that's us :) to thank some of you
Knightly Joksters...for your contributions to this page! We couldn't do it without you
and you help brighten our lives through sharing this laughter!!!! Please feel free to
submit your jokes...(video files not usable at this time).
So a big thanks to: Dan Youngberg, Bob Cox,
Chris Lindahl, Karen Edel,
Tony Esposito.....and you?


The Divorce Letter....

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I"m leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing
to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called
to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a
new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in 2 minutes, and went
straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you
love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're
cheating on me or your don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to
mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother faised me not to say
anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those
new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it
was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning....and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you
and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto
for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But
when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with
your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Rich As Hell and Free!!!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem.



Okay, time to pick on women.....

When you walk out the door in the
morning and see this in the sky:

Just go back in the house, pour another cup
of coffee, and stay there. It probably isn't
going to be a good day!

Since it is tax season.....

Let's put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day,
the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce
the cost of your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected.
They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - they paying customers? How could
they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided
by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everyone's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man
would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount,
and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings)
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings)
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings)
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings)
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings)
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings)
Each of the siz was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside
the restaurant, the men began to compare savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20," delcared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man, "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times
more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I only got two? The
wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all.
The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him.
But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough
money between all of them for even half of the bill!

So....the moral of the story is.....

Be nicer to your wealthy friends.....
Be sure someone with money comes along.....
Be prepared to wash some dishes.....

...........or think up your own solution

Somebody has too much time on their hands...

A cat listening to House music....


A cat listening to Hip Hop....


Cats listening to Metal....


A cat listening to Stevie Wonder...


A cat listening to Gangsta Rap...


A cat listening to Techno (on Ecstasy)...




these men are.....dumb???










My new Lexus....

I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day complaining
that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the
radio was voice activated. "Watch this!" he said. "Nelson!" The radio replied,
"Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On the Road Again" came from
the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!" and in an instant "Georgia on My
Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days every time I'd say, "Beethoven,"
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said "Beatles," I'd get one of their awsome
songs. Yesterday a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved
in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holed!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda backed up
by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar. Al Gore on drums,
Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton
on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.....
Damn, I LOVE this car!!!





Wishing you Time for Relaxation

Good Sleep

Good Health with Exercise

Someone to Dance With

... a Bit of Adventure

Good Looks

But most of all....
Wishing you Lots of Bear Hugs

And the comforts of Real Love

Many blessings!!!!
May you always have love to share,
health to spare and
friends that care.

BUT, watch out for those darn Penguins!!!

Do you ever feel like doing this to someone?????

















Boys would read more

Kids would get more rest

Work would get done more efficiently

Potty training? Who needs it?

Kids would be more able to express their emotions!

Bath time would be more fun!

But never let dad go to a T-Shirt making store










































25 Signs You Have Grown Up.....rats...:(

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severly upset, rather
than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I use to" replaces "I'm never goind
to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in from of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?"

BONUS:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
that doesn't apply to you & can't find one to save your sorry old butt.











Polish Sausage...

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage".
The clerk looks at him and asks, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me
if I was German? Or if I had asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask
me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask me if I
was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
"And if I asked for an Irish whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't."
With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guys says, "Well, all right then,
why did you ask me if I was Polish just because I ask for a Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot!"



















A Week At The Gym: One Man's Story

(This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.)

Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth Christmas this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
thought I was still in pretty good shape since playing high school tennis
32 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed
pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to
keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda
was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all thought my gut was already aching
from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be
a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made
the full mile. Belinda's rewarding emile made it all worthwhile. I feel
GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to stimulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She
said some other shit too.

THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being half and hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran
and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment,
she put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the M----- F------ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choid director?

SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank
GOD that his week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will
choose a gift for me that is fun---like a root canal or a vasectomy.



Texas Deputy vs. New York Lawyer...

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from
New York and he is certain that he is better educated than any cop
from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and to have some fun
at the Texas deputy's expense!!

Deputy says: "License and Registration please."
Lawyer says: "What for?"
Deputy says: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Laywer says: "What's the difference?"
Deputy says: "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and
registration please!"
Lawyer says: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you
my license and registration; and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, please Sir."
The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer
with it and then says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"


The Husband Store...

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:

You many visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the
product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose
any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but
you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, and are
Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-
dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-
dead Georgeous, Help with Housework and have a
Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth
floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for
shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened
a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex
and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.



Things to consider now that the holiday season is over....












True Friends....

Here is the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When you are sad---I will help you get drunk
and plot revenge against the sorry bastard
who made you sad.

2. When you are blue--I will try to dislodge
whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile--I will know
that you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared--I will rag on you
about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried--I will tell you
horrible stories about how much worse
it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused--
I will use little words.

7. When you are sick--stay away from me
until you are well. Again, I don't want
whatever you have.

8. When you fall--I will point and laugh
at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end.
"Why?" you may ask; "because you
are my friend."

Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true warmth.





This was actually on TV....The commentators Paused and didn't say a word... :)

The Ass Family

Boy Genius???

Good reason to wear pajamas... :)

Tattoo of the Year....

Latest grilling excessory....












































Calories don't count when you are having lunch
with friends.....








Do You Use Protection?????

Do you know....


what happens....


at....


night....


on...


your...


desk......


after.......


having.....


shut down......


the....


computer.....


?


?



?




WASH YOUR HANDS



Smart Ass Answers....

Smart Ass Answer #6:

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she
said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store
but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is
right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up fr=or miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The
cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No,
I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Smart Ass Answer of the Year 2006:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuse for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuse whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was surrering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write
the exam with your other hand."



Thanksgiving Divorce...

A man in Phoeniz calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't
stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're
sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay,"
he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."







"Im thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level."
- Dana Carvey



***Liquor Warning***

LIQUOR WARNING:
Of course this does not apply to you and me, but you may want to pass this
on to others...to warn them.

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the
following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are invisible.

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in
the time-space continuum, leaving you unable to account for large
chunks of time

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
have mystical Kung Fu powers, restulting in you getting your ass kicked.

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
the morning and see something really scary.

~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

~~~~~
WARNING: The crumsumptetn of alcholhl may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel
gode.



5 Most Important Questions Answered....

Q1. WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here."

Q2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, only "down under."

Q3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED COMDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q4. WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they
go, they take your house and car with them.

Q5.WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

Now you know everything you need to know!



....a man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for
15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he
finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the man's
wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, appears to kiss her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this
guy is an excaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong honey. I love you."

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too."


The Difference Between Women and Men

1. Names
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other
Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. Eating Out
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
and none will actually admit they want change back.

When women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. Money
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need,
but it's on sale.

4. Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is
337. A man would not be able to identify most of these.

5. Arguments
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that....is the beginning of a new argument.

6. Cats
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.

7. Future
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a nice man.

9. Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.

10. Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book,
and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. Natural
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people
living in the house.

13. Thought For The Day
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use
in two people remembering the same thing.



Happy Halloween...

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of
which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false
alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest espisode was another and
stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with dirrhea and was embarrassed beyond
his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started
yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things
off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a thangled pile at his feet. As the drunk
stook there, unsteadly on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
gard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident,
walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied, "I think I just
beat the shit out of a ghost."








Truth in advertising......

Post Date:
August 7th, 2006

Expire Date:
September 6th, 2006

$10,000

'06 Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025

500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have
always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it
because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently
"do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve..800-555-5555



Comicland.....

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends
for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.

"Hey Batman! Who'd good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in Comicland.
Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to
take advantage of her."

"Damn shame," said Barman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green
lantern patching up a building. He flew down.

"Hey GL, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's
the best babe in Comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away
the best lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she
had gotten around so much." and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he
saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with
her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought
to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of
there before she even knows I'm here."

So with a blur and sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman
stared up into the sky with a dazed expression. "What the hell was that?"
she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me."



Some Catholic Humor.....

DONATION

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is." "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can." "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do." "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is." "Did he donate $10,000
to the church?" "He will."

CONFESSION

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls,
hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of Chatholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everyone."

BROTHEL TRIP

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl
for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm
90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?

TWO SCOTTISH NUNS

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other,
"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies,
"but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically,
the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs,
please," says one. The vendor is very pleased to ovlige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands
them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'. The mother
superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans
to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you got?"

THE DECEASED DOG

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day
the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is
dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm
afraid not; cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists
down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"



Something to Sneeze at....

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that is about to take off.
Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with
his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine. The woman
cannot believe what she has just seen. Then he sneezes again, unzips, and
wipes himself off again with the handkerchief.

The woman says, Excuse me, sir, but that's disgusting and rude! If you do it
again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane.

He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing
physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by
her own callousness, says with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you
taking for it?"

"Pepper," he answers.







Can't we just get along....

This is a true story, it happened in Utah and was on the news!

Here's the story.......
A city councilman, Mark Easton, lives in this neighborhood. He had a beautiful
view of the east mountains, until a new neighbor purchased the lost below his
house and built.

Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would
allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city to make sure
they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbor had some
great arguments about this as you can imagine - not great feelings. The new
neighbor had to drop the roof line - no doubt at great expense.

Recently, Mark Easton called the city and informed them that his new neighbor had
installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents
and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see the vent
view, this is what they found......



Dam Government In Action


This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania and his response.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there
has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property.
You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contracotr who did the following
unauthorized activity.

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of
Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore,
the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the
Public Acts of 1994, being sections 334.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Complied
Laws, annotated.!

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during
a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that
dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department
therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from
the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site
inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activitiy on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free
to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycomming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am
the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining
two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay
for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could even match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or
their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam
permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers?

(2) Or do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating aginst these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information
Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been
issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams,
of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation?
The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destiture and are unable to pay for said representation --
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either
one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to project. In other words, we should leave the
Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers --
but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam
letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized
dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They
have more dam rights that I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of
Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beaver's Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond
Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam
staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality, health
problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely
believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful
where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your
dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

Ryan DeVries and The Dam Beavers



.....very graphic photo....

The photo below is a VERY graphic picture of a horrible highway accident in Germany.
The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you. If you look closely you
can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident still tapped in the wreckage.
Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly our loved ones
can be taken from us.

My firend stayed on the scene to help and even though he performed mouth to mouth
on quite a few of them, none apparently survived......






Bad cuckoo clock....

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!!

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall stared up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing
my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed....3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos...
(MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I
told him "Midnight."

He didn't seem mad at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh shit!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared
it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."



Recovering.....

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for an
important interview, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate,
homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly
possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's
condition. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away
as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the
sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some
powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out,
"Reach out, reach out!"
So I did........



I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.

It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.




Redneck Parents.....

Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to
the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly
started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them
make the decision...why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read a recent article that one out of
every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they
didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of
them could speak Spanish.



For All Us Baby Boomers.....

All you Baby Boomers can enjoy this....those of you who were not
fortunate enought to be born in the ear, you are the children of one
of us....so try your hand and head at this quiz and then pass it on to
your parents for a laugh. How old are you?? Take this quiz and see.
Scoring is at the end.....

1. Name the Beatles:
__________
__________
__________
__________
__________

2. Finish the line: "Lions and Tigers and Bears,
__________  __________!"

3. "Hey kids, what time is it?"
_____  _________   __________  __________.

4. What do M&M's do?
_______  _____  ________ ________,
____ _________ ________ ________

5. What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?
___________  ________________

___________  ______________

7. You'll wonder where the yellow went,
______  ________  _________  ________
______  ________  _________."

8. Post-baby boomers know Bob Denver as the Skipper's 'little
buddy.' But we know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest
friend, __________  G.  ___________.

9. M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: ________ ? __________
_________  ___________  _________!

10. "Brylcream: _______  ________  _______  _______ _______  __________."

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone _______  ______.

12. From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish this line:
"I wonder, wonder, wonder.....wonder who; ______  ________,
______   _________   ________  ________?"

13. And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one:
"War....uh-huh, huh....yea; what is it good for? ,
____________  __________."

14. Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a never-ending
battle for truth, justice, and ______  _________  ________.

15. He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of the
best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL. He later went on to appear
in a television commercial wearing women's stockings. He is Broadway
_______  _________>

16. "I'm Popeye the sailor man, I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm strong to
the finish, ________  ______  _________  ________  __________.
I'm Popeye the sailor man."

17. Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently played by
Robin Williams, but we will always remember when Peter was played by
______________  _____________.

18. In a movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played Luke, a ne'er
do well who was sent to a prison camp for cutting off the heads of parking
meters with a pipe cutter. When he was captured after an unsuccessful
attempt to escape, the came commander (played by Strother Martin) used
this experience as a lesson for the other prisioners, and explained,
"What we have here, ______  ___  ____________  ____  ______________."

19. In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after losing a race
for governor while announcing his retirement from politics. "Just think, you
won't have ________  __________ to kick around anymore."

20. "Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive. He stood six foot
six, weighed 245. Kinda' broad at the shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And
everybody knew you didn't give no lip to, ______  _______, ______  ________  ________."

21. "I found my thrill, ________  ____________  _________."

22. "Good night, David." "__________  _________  ____________."

23. "Liar, liar, ____________  _____  ______________."

24. "When it's least expected, you're elected. You're the star today.
_________ ! __________ &nbps;_____   ___________   _______________."

25. It was Pogo, the comic strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy,
and __________  _____  __________."


ANSWERS BELOW



1. John, Paul, George, Ringo
2. Oh my
3. It's Howdy Doody Time
4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand
5. Wonder Bread
6. Cassius Clay
7. when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
8. Maynard G. Krebbs
9. Why? Because we like you
10. A little dab'll do ya
11. over 30
12. who wrote the book of love
13. Absolutely nothin'
14. the American way
15. Joe Namath
16. cause I eats me spinach
17. Mary Martin
18. is a failure to communicate
19. Richard Nixon
20. Big John, Big Bad John
21. on Blueberry Hill
22. Good night, Chet
23. pants on fire
24. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
25. he is us

SCORING

24 - 25 correct - 50+ years old
20 - 23 correct - 40's
15 - 19 correct - 30's
10 - 14 correct - 20's
0 - 9 correct - You're, like, sorta a teenage dude??



The Letter.....

A father going by his son's bedroom was astonished to see
the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then
he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of
the bed. It was addressed, "Dad"

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read
the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene
with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Barbara
and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos and her tight
motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Barbara said
that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as
she is much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that's now
one of my dreams too.

Barbara taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and
we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends
for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for aids so
Barbara can get better; she sure deserves it!!!

Don't worry dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care
of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get
to know your grandchildren.

Your Son,

Josh

P.S. Dad, none of this is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life
than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I Love You!
Call when it's safe for me to come home.



Finally, the Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes!!!

oops, I forgot to finish this one....
bummer...now I've gotta go find it.....


Cop Humor

.....supposedly taken from actual police car videos across the country......

#15 - "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 - "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 - "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 - "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 - "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 - "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help...
Oh... did I mention that 'I' am the shift supervisor?"

#9 - "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 - "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 - "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride
on rides and eat cotton candy."

#6 - "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 - "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 - "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 - "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We use to have quotas but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 - "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail."

.....And.....THE BEST ONE!!!!!

#1 - "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ....You're right, we don't.
Sign here.



Friends....

Friends are like butt cheeks.

Shit might separate them,

But they always come back together.




Boys will be boys....




















Math Skills Today

Last week I purchased a burger & fries at McDonalds for $3.58.
The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and
gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking
at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort & I tried to tell her to
just give me 2 quarters, but when I tried to explain the transaction to her,
she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this????

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math in 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math in 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990
A logger cust down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate
and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of
making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question:
How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?
(There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math in 2006
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera papa $100. El cuesto de la
produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?



Gee, here are a few billboards you'll never see.....






























When Name Calling Isn't Swearing








WINNER OF THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH AWARD:





A visiting minister.....

A visiting minister during the offertory prayer....

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look
on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that silent, awkward moment
when he paused for a breath, on very obedient little girl
(who was listening carefully for once) leaned over to her
mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point.....



Now here's a guy with a unique ability for incisive thinking.....

A Maryland resident petitions his senator

June 7, 2006

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the
Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for you assistance. I
have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an
effort to determine the process for becoming and illegal alien and they
referred me to you.

My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to
illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the
Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's
provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United
States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay
a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.

I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process
started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who
have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited
about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying
a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal
retroactively? This would yeild an excellent result for me and my
family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my duaghter
would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school
applications.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become
illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms,
I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Paul McGlaughlin




This is why you can't ever leave your kids alone...lolol



Never, Ever Sleep Naked On A Hammock...lolol


Just a weeeee bit.....


An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the
perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters
that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck
and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place.
Lool 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice....pigeon toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went
out with the second daugher.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...crossed-eyed.."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.
So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the
nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the
beauty of the parents.

"Well," explaines the redneck..."She was just a weeee bit, not that you could hardly tell....
pregnant when you met her."







It's good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuse.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashio faux pas we make could ever rival the Spedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our teammates without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
(okay...I confess...I do)
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.










One day my houseworked-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting
do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yells back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb.....

--------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I'm going to make
you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

-------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today, "Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-------------------------------------------------

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing
board whil I sit on the sofa and read.

-------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A. A rumor

-------------------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came
to them and said that because they had been so good that each one
of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh!! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy :)

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

-------------------------------------------------

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. They are practicing to be men.

-------------------------------------------------

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

-------------------------------------------------

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed
gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-------------------------------------------------

Q. Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A. It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"







Grandpa's Avdice

This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with
his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Granspas had passed
on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this. The grandson writes....

I hope this will again confirm that the most importnat information in your life won't
come from a teacher, the library or the internet. It comes from a mentor, and always
on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for
me, it is a time to reminisce.

We use to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me
up so I could spend weekends with him. I was young when he died. If he were living
today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all well
and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12. We were
sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.
He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. Then he came
to the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, "And be sure you marry
a woman with small hands."

"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?









Happy Wife

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed
and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?"

The woman contimues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what
you think. I just cam from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that
no only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55 year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.










Life Cycle

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out
dead and git it out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day...
You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then,
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous
and you get ready for High School.

You to to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last
9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa,
room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and finally you
finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.


























Butt Measurements

A man and his wife were working in their garden on day and the man
looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean
really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his
wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the
barbeque."

The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the
husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards
his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he askes.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up the big-ass
grill for one little weenie?"
OUCH



Bumper Stickers You Might Like to See

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you're an ass

Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"


Everyone has a photographic memory
....some just don't have any film

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship

Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one

Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me"

Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes
and sue you

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to shoot them

Try not to let your mind wander...It's too small and fragile to
be out by itself
Hand up and drive!!!

Welcome to America
....now speak English







Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Phsychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed
it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisy the council
they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again
So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way.
"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.
"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.
"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with"
"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.





Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax
and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older
boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued,
"Do you know what these are for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they
aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV
that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike.
He can't do either one."






Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling
water down your throat and presto!, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood presure sufferes: simply cut yourself and bleed for
a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use a timer!

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you
will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we jueed eed to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance!

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

Some people are like slinkies.....
they are not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your
face when you push them down a flight of stairs.





0A0A

Steak or Fish???

John Smith was the only Baptist to move into a large Catholic neighborhood.
On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neightbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This
went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men
got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was
tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try to convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked
to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become
Catholic. They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him
and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and how
you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came,
and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their tuna
fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see
if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with
a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak
on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow,
and now you are a fish."

Enjoy the Lenten levity :)






See what a little H2O can do for you :)




Looks painful don't it ~











A young Catholic man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since
my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since
my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver
his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous woman
enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall
upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right
in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with
matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy
gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits
with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the alter
boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think
it's just the reflection off her shoes!"




Redneck Doorbell



Rhymes......

These are entries to a Washington Post competition
asking for a rhyme with:
The most romantic first line But...
The least romantic second line

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar
bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see you face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away,
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.







Hollywood Squares

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will
bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the
days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted
and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking
the questions, of course.

Q. Do female froge croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep.
Are you proubably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and
you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask
him is he is married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words
to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your
hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,
and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects
at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom
or in the closet.
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would
you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with
getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting
"Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of
your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly
isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish
on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time,
your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible
for it's sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should
never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh.



Funny how this can be interpreted.....

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter
nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only
what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting.....



Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane
Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retreiver.









Putting it in perspective

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Give a person a fish & you feed them for a day, teach a person to
use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200 and a
substantial tax cut saves you 30 cents

In the 60's, people too acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird & people take Prozac to make it normal

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have
come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first

I had amnesia once---or twice

Protons have mass?? I didn't even know they were Catholic

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible...and I believed them

Teach a child to be polite & courteous in the home and, when he
grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long

Experience is the thing you have left when everything
else is gone


One nice thing about egotists:
They don't talk about other people

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries

I used to be indecisive...now I'm not sure

The cost of living hasn't affected it's popularity

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one

Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken



Little Billy on...Math

Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?', I said 6"
replied Billy. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked
me, 'How much is 3 x 2?" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"





58 Real Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqui Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bit Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for the Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lighting Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
38. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hundson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies



Women are so hard to understand sometimes

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to
cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big
drinker, maybe a 12 pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed
the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at
the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute, I've given up beer
and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so
I can look pretty for you." I told her...........
"Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back----



The Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...
I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.



Where to Bury Her

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to
Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed
away. The undertaker told him, "You can have her shipped home
for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her
shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend
$5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead; I just can't take that chance."







Two Old Guys

Two guys are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The first guys says to the second guy. "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does
your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter--let's look for yours."







Brain Cramps

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
---Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

*****

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny like that, but not with all those flies & death & stuff."
---Mariah Carey

*****

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life."
---Brooke Shields
during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anit-smoking campaign

*****

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
---Winston Bennett
University of Kentucky basketball forward

*****

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country."
---Mayor Marion Barry
Washington, D.C.

***** "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing
through our papers. We are the president."
---Hillary Clinton commenting on the
release of subpoenaed documents

*****

"That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked
to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
---A congressional candidate in Texas

*****

"Half this game is ninety precent mental
---Philadelphia Phillies manager,
Danny Ozark

*****

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
---Al Gore, Vice President

*****

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
---Dan Quayle

***** "We've got to pause and ask ourselves:
How much clean air do we need?"
---Lee Iacocca

*****

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football.
A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
---Joe Theisman
NFL football quarterback & sports analyst

*****

"We don't necessarily discriminate.
We simply exclude certain types of people."
---Colonel Gerald Wellman
ROTC Instructor

*****

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
---Bill Clinton, President

*****

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may
or may not occur."
---Al Gore, VP

*****

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
---Keppel Enderberry

*****

"your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
because we received notice that you passed away. May
God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change
in your circumstances."
---Department of Social Services,
Greenville, South Carolina

*****

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night. And the next monring, when they
wake up dead, there'll be a record."
---Mark S. Fowler
FCC Chariman











Funny Letter Scramble

Okay, these all all words and then rearranged words...enjoy

DORMITORY = DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN = BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER = MOON STARER

DESPERATION = A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES = THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH = HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE = HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES = CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY = IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS = LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW = WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS = ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT = I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES = THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO = TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND THE GRAND FINALE IS.........
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA =
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaay too much time on their hands huh... :)



Management Decision

The boss was in a quandry. He had to fire somebody. He had it
narrowed down to one of two people, Katie or Jack. It was
an impossible decision, they were goth super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one
who used the water cooler the next morning.

Katie came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over
after partying all night. She went straight to the water
cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and
said, "Katie, I've never done this before, but I have to
lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she replied,
"I really feel like shit this morning!"



A True Superbowl Fan

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits
down, a man comes down and askes if anyone is sitting in the
seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting
event in the world, and not use is?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed
to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super
Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head, "No, they're all at the funeral."





We all get heavier as we get older....
because there's a lot more information in our heads.

So I'm not fat...
I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't
hold any more...so it started filling up the rest of me!!
That's my story.....
and I'm sticking to it!!




Married Life Sponsored by Mastercard

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks
didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he
got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered
if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes,
and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of
water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack
sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of
the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early
to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you darling! Love Jillian."
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at
the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You
fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect
order, so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting
for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!...Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table: $139.99
Hot Breakfast: $4.20
Two Aspirins: $.38
Saying the right thing,
at the right time....
PRICELESS!!!



Divine Understand.........

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the shy clouded above
his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be
faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that
kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete
and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it
is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand
women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent
treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"







Retired....fun...

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop on High Street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket. I went up to him and said. "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi Bastard.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a
piece of stinking dog crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the
first. Then he started writing a thrid ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I
abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care how many he wrote. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day, now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.







"Grade Earned"

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the position that
they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for his report:

Titanic: $29.99 * Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read * Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack & Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe *
Clinton: The story of Bill & Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist * Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar * Clinton: Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined * Clinton: Ditto for Monica
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit * Clinton: Let's Not Go There
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry * Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life * Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen * Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there either
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death * Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing






A Living Will Is Important To Relationships!

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on
some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

What Snowmen do in the off-season

Jewish Christmas

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious how each of her students celebrated Christmas.
She called on young Patrick Murphy. Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time? she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters
go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put
mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed
and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

Very nice Patrick, she said. Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols
and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up
our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the
discussion, she asked, Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?

Isaac said, Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all
pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at
all the empty shelves and begin to sing "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."
Then we all go to the Bahamas.


Nominated as the best short joke this year...er, last year :)
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," replied his mother.

State Mottos :)

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
*****
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
*****
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
*****
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
*****
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
*****
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
*****
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
*****
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
*****
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
*****
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
*****
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
*****
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
*****
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce The "S"
*****
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
*****
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
*****
Kansas: First Of The Rectangular States
*****
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names
*****
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
*****
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
*****
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
*****
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets
*****
Michigan: First Line Of Defense - From The Canadians
*****
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes....And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
*****
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
*****
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
*****
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Uni-bomber, Right-wing Crazies
And Very Little Else
*****
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
*****
Nevada: Hookers And Poker!
*****
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
*****
New Yersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
*****
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
*****
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney...
*****
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
*****
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
*****
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
*****
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
*****
Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
*****
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
*****
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
*****
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War?
We Didn't Actually Surrender
*****
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
*****
Tennessee: The Educashun State
*****
Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
*****
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus!
*****
Vermont: Yep
*****
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
*****
Washington: Help! We're Over-run By Nerds And Slackers!
*****
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
*****
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family.....Really!
*****
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Darwin Award Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliott
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, for the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine
and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company.
The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago retunred with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found
that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to
Bulayayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to
a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds
received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving
train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle - K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash
from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash
he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,
is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder
block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended
the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then
taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To whick he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The
clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5 - STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


Things you Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.....

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow. I didn't hink I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready???





30 Things Stressed Women May Say At Work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine!
5. Don't bother me; I'm living happily every after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office...it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 yeras.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!
16. Back off! Your're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry...I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that they style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes...Do you see one ounce of "gives-a-shit?"



Beer Scam

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local taverns
to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman!

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target
unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now
available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from
taps, and in large "kegs"

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade
their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman
needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply
ask him home for no-strings-attached sex! Men are rendered helpless against
this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform
sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be
attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a
familiar scam known as "A Relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewed enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a
longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as a "Marriage". Apparently,
men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is
offered by the predatory females.

Please be sure every male you know reads this warning. If you fall victim to this
insidious Beer and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support
goups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
Check with your local tavern's barkeep to find the one nearest you.

Try this the next time you're stressed out!

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is
John Smith from the telephone company. I'm just calling to see if you're
interested in the Caller ID program."

He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pullinto a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the
spot. The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number
on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."
"What's your name?"
"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes"
"Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial too. Now when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of
calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it use to be. So, I came up with an idea.

I called Asshole #1. "Hello. You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I screamed back.
"Who are you?" he demanded.
"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 W. 34th Street, ASSHOLE! It's a yellow house, with my
black beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had
better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole#2
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said...again, without hanging up. He yelled, "If I ever
find out who you are!"
"Yeah, you'll what?" I asked.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 W 34th Street and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war goind gown
on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better. Anger Management really works!!!
Jeff Foxworthy.....on Minnesota

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18" of ice
and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you're proud that your state makes the national News 96 nights each year,
because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
You might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your dads suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicey,
You might live in Minnesota.

Vacation means going up North past Virginia for the weekend,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedia, Edina,
Shakopee, Winton and Ely,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you measure distance in hours,
You might live in Minnesota.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
You might live in Minnesota.

You often switch from heat to A/C in the same day and back again,
You might live in Minnesota

You see people wearing hunting clothes at special events,
You might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching.
You might live in Minnesota.

You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked,
You mgiht live in Minnesota.

You think of the major food groups as Beer, Fish and venison,
You might live in Minnesota.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend
knows how to use them,
You might live in Minnesota.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at
Zups Grocery Store at any given time,
You mgith live in Minnesota.

You design your kids Halloween costume to fit
over a snowsuit,
you might live in Minnesota.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes
are filled with snow,
You might live in Minnesota.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winder, winter, still
winter and road construction,
You might live in Minnesota.

You consider Minneapolis exotic,
You might live in Minnesota.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of
a deer next to your blue spruce,
You might live in Minnesota.

Down South means Iowa,
A brat is something you eat,
You go out to fish fry every Friday,
You find 0 degrees a little chilly,
You really just might live in Minnesota!

Ya Gotta Love Kids.....

Dear God, Are you really invisible
or is that just a trick
Lucy

Dear God, I want to be just like my
Daddy when I get big but not
with so much hair all over
Sam

Dear God, Did you mean for giraffe to look
like that or was it an accident
Norma

Dear God, I keep waiting for Spring but it
never come yet. Don't forget
Mark

Dear God, Instead of letting people die and
haveing to make new ones. Why don't
you just keep the ones you got now?
Jane

You don't have to worry about me. I always
look both ways
Dean

Dear God, I went to this wedding and they
kissed right in the church. Is that ok?
Neil

Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your
greatest invention.
Ruth M.

Dear God, In bible times did they really
talk that fancy?
Jennifer

Dear God, I think about you sometimes
even when I'm not praying
Elliott

Dear God, I am American
What are you?
Robert

Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to
love all of everybody in the whole world
There are only 4 people in our family
and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God, Please put a-nother holiday between
Christmas and Easter. There is nothing
good in there now.
Ginny

Dear God, If you watch in church on Sunday
I will show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.

Dear-God-if-we-come-back-as-something-please
don't-let-it-be-Jennifer-Horton
because-I-hate-her
Denise

GOD, I WOULD LIKE TO LIVE 900 YEARS LIKE THE
GUY IN THE BIBLE
LOVE, CHRIS

Dear God, If you give me genie lamp
like Alladin I will give you anything you want
except my money or my chess set.
Raphael

We read Thos. Edison made light. But in
Sun. School they said you did it. So
I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerly,
Donna

Dear God, If you let the dinasor not exstinct
we would not have a country. You did
the right thing.
Jonathan

Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a
different camp this year.
Peter

Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill
each so much if they had their own rooms.
It works with my brother.
Larry

Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better
God. Well I just want you to know but I am not
just saying that because you are God
Charles





Red Neck Dogs....only in Arkansas




Tennis Balls....

While out one morning in the park,
a jogger found a brand new tennis ball,
and seeing nobody around, he slipped it
into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian
crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl
standing next to him saw the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that?" she asked....with her eyes gleaming lustfully.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically,
"that must be painful.....
I had tennis elbow once!"





Grandma's Oranges

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that
the police were passing out free oranges and she
was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from
all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and
exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out,
rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."
The policeman fainted.

















Replace All Female Flight Attendants

Replace all female flight attendants with good-lookin' strippers!
What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking.
They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers
would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and
get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the plane for fear of seeing a naked
woman. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in the country
would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would
come to a screeching halt and the airline insudtry would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton




Guys, Don't Touch The Buttons!!

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it was always occupied. A nurse noticed his
predicament. "Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise
not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he
had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,
WA, PP and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon
his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have
nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA
button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed
his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable
pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to
push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and
a nurse was staring down at him. "What happened?" he exclaimed.
"The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is under your pillow."
Men never listen...




The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will You Marry Me?"
The girl said, "NO"! And the guy lived happily ever after
and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot
and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The End




Wanted for Murder....(actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went
to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several
people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled
up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back
of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became
concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if
she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back
of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands
from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a
wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit
her in the back of the head. Whe she reached back to find out
what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains.
She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold
her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to
to her aid.

And yes, Linda is a blonde.....









Dear Electric Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your
anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted
that you have no choice. We are a big company and you
will pay what we tell you. You have no choice. We have
the power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. Sucks
to be you. We have enclosed a little picture to help
outline our response. Have a nice day and keep those
checks coming, loser!





And how do you feel today???





7 Reasons not to mess with children:

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible fo a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large
mammal it's throat was very small. The little girl stated that
Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated
that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

***
A Kindergarten teacher was oberserving her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing way. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But
no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

***
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor"
thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest
of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

***
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen
sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking
out in contrast to her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time
that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for awhile and then said, "Momma, how
come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

***
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them
each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it
when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
He's a doctor." A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher...She's dead."

***
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter
clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know,
would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that
while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

***
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Chatholic elementary school for lunch. At
the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and
posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line,
at the other end of the table was a large pile of cookies. A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."





Things Hallmark Cards Don't Say

My tire was thumping
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

*****

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

*****

Looing back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

*****

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

*****

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

*****

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.

After having met you...

I've changed my mind.

*****

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

*****

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me

*****

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll proubably need it again.

*****

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

*****

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

*****

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

*****

We have been friends for a very long time...
let's say we stop!

*****

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

*****

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

*****

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

*****

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good PAY








BRILLIANT!!

Aoccdrnig to extnesvie rseeacrh conudcetd at Oxofrd Uinervtisy in
Enlgnad, it deosn't raelly mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be in a toatl mses and you usulaly can sitll raed it wouthit much
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as
a wlohe.

Jsut thnik a momnet abuot all the tmie you and I watesed laernnig how to splel



Actual Bumper Stickers:

"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap
-------------------------------------------------------------
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger
-------------------------------------------------------------
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
-------------------------------------------------------------
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddah
-------------------------------------------------------------
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
-------------------------------------------------------------
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
-------------------------------------------------------------
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
-------------------------------------------------------------
Illiterate? Write For Help
--------------------------------------------------------------
Honk If Anything Falls Off
----------------------------------------------------------------
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
--------------------------------------------------------------------
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But Is Miles From The Next Exit
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - NOW!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To Do
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
--------------------------------------------------------------
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
--------------------------------------------------------------
Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
-------------------------------------------------------------
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
-------------------------------------------------------------
If walking is so good for you, then why
does my mailman look like
Jabba The Hut???
------------------------------------------------------------
Ax Me About Ebonics
------------------------------------------------------------
Body By Nautilus, Brain By Mattel
------------------------------------------------------------
Boldly Going Nowhere
------------------------------------------------------------
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
------------------------------------------------------------
Heart Attacks - God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
-----------------------------------------------------------
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi
Fired From A Car Window
-----------------------------------------------------------
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He Is Lost??
-----------------------------------------------------------
Grow Your Own Dope--
Plant A Man
-----------------------------------------------------------
Politicians & Diapers Both Need To Be Changed,
And For The Same Reason



Exercise For Seniors

---I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start excercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by
the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

---Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you
think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She
simply replied, "No peer pressure."

---I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer & diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost
all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

---Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she
buys him a few drinks first.

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not
as sharp as it use to be.

---Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is that they have to squat down first.

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child
playing with matches.

---Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.



Cat In Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates
and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you
want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life I lived on a
farm and slept on hard, wooden floors....I would like a real fluffy
pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident
and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates
of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives...from
cats, dogs and even from people with brooms. If we could just have
some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat...He found her
sound asleep on her fluffy polliw. God gently awakened the cat and
asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL...I've never been
so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little
"Meals-on-Wheels" that You have been sending over are delicious."




ASS SIZE
In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat,

15 percent said their ass was too thin....

and the other five percent said they
didn't care - they would have
married him anyway!!



Finding NEMO




MEN's RULES......

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

#1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining abou you
leaving it down.

#1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

#1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

#1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

#1. Crying is blackmail.

#1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!

#1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays & anniversaries on the calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.

#1. Most guys own three pair of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at
choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress???

#1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Please pick one.

#1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

#1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem....see a doctor.

#1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.

#1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

#1. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like
soap opera guys.

#1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer,
but still love you.

#1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

#1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

#1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

#1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were
going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

#1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what Mauve is.

#1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

#1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

#1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect the
answer you didn't want to hear.

#1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really, you look fine!!!

#1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

#1. Nascar is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

#1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape.

#1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that...
it's like camping :)